The Line:
How to Find It, Push People past It, and What to do Once You have Them There.
One:
Raising/Clearing the Bar:
I am an awful person; to even hear me speak is to put yourself in danger and discomfort. I ramble, rant, and rave about things no one should talk about outside of a close group of equally twisted friends. This is written mostly for me, but in efforts to feed my ego – or knock me down a few notches I am putting this out to be criticized, ridiculed, emulated, hated, loved, and ignored. What if anything you do with it is entirely up to you.
I am not bragging, but this may and hopefully will offend you – it is my belief that if you are offended that is not my problem. I enjoy watching mental discomfort make people squirm. I myself like to be made to feel a little uneasy – to me that equals a new experience, a new low or high – a new edge to push through.
Year One:
I immediately start the game of making up stranger’s life stories (admittedly stolen from “Wonder Boys”). The problem with this innocent but cruel past time is that my stories always come to “lives in parents basement, strangles people with cum/blood/shit/urine stained tighty-whitey underwear” or “his name is John/Vinnie/Mike/Ed and he a used car salesmen with a crystal meth addiction and a love of creamed corn, hair products, gold chains, chest hair, and wife-beater t-shirts.” Sometimes it degrades even further and begins to include necrophilia, bestiality, incest, child molestation, sexual asphyxiation, donkey punches, Bismarcks, hot lunches, Cleveland steamers, dirty Sanchez, punch fucking, and rodeo sex.
I then start in on the bartender (bad idea) and thank whoever that he took it well and played along with being called Chad – which I call him at times still.
I then start to lose the ability to control the volume of my voice (alcohol induced) or more accurately stop caring to. This is when I begin to amuse and disgust myself.
Now onto the meat of how to get yourself punched in the face.
I look back and begin to study what actually goes on when the bar starts to empty. There are factors like employee shift change which changes the entire dynamic of customer interaction and quality of the drinks and the drunks. I am not so full of myself to believe that I am anything more than a contributing force in bar clearing, but I am aiming to strengthen my effect.
Subconsciously I was finding where people’s comfort zones ended and slowly starting pushing the conversation into that arena of discomfort and watched them nervously chuckle and smile and try to escape or re-route the conversation. The conversation would meander back into their safe zone until I would begin making mental tugs in other directions – like fishing I needed to bait this unwilling audience. This of course was taking too much time and I needed to find a base that would offend the masses – so I set the started point just past what most people find uncomfortable, the hatred of small bags of flesh, shit, bones, and blood – or children.
Ok – I freely admit I am not a fan of children – I am in agreement with one of my few friends that you should be able to abort until they are approximately 8 to 10 years old. I make no apologies for this.
The point is to take people where they don’t want to go while they’re laughing and strand them there.
Children are a great way to start innocently at the beginning they will speak of their children, their friends’ children, etc. Let them get it out and started about how much they love them or how fucking precious little Johnny is when he shits himself or beats up the neighborhood kids for some heroic protecting his sister nonsense. Seriously a knight in shining armor at 8 years old, you have got to be kidding me. Then start the baby or small children jokes – I am not a fan of pre-told jokes, but if you can’t make it up as you go (stories are better than jokes) use whatever weapons you have like dead baby jokes or whatnot. If you’re lucky enough to have a known pedophile or rumored to be pedophile in your town, use this! “Ass like a 12-year old boy” comments are always a safe lead in. What you want is to start with them laughing and end with them leaving. Oddly delicate in delivery, you don’t want to get the punch to the face that I deserve – so take them slowly into discomfort laughing on the way. Again I just want them uncomfortable enough to leave. On the same note, I have had to leave to protect the bartender, keep them on your good side – if you have someone waiting for you to get up to smoke or got to the bathroom before they complain – good chance that they will want to speak to the owner to bitch about you and that the bartender let you keep on with your “potty mouth” – fuck these people, it’s a bar not Chuck E. Cheese.
I do have to pepper these discussions with “safe” moments to keep the audience for awhile, to have them wanting to leave – but also wanting to see just how far I will go and what monstrosity may flow from me. I am all into the free will idea – can’t force them to stay or leave, but manipulation and mind games can be fun.
The gems that I have fallen from my mouth.
“Righteous living through ass-raping Nazis”
“…smells like a freshly fucked farm animal and gasoline”
Victim: “My dad may have shaken me as a baby”
My Response “Well, he must not have shaken you hard enough.”
Those are the only quotables I can remember – as it should be the best things said you really need to be there for, it’s the reaction that is wonderful not the words that caused it. Effect is everything.
You must fully commit to this or you will get hurt.
For a demonstration meet me at the bar, buy me a few drinks and off I will go!
Next :
Fishing:
How to tie up traffic (not suggested in the slightest)
